Up corporate lawyers’ alleyway

Published on August 12, 2007

Deepak showed us the news item: law graduates aren’t interested in legal practice; they want jobs in corporate legal cells. Also, in legal process outsourcing companies.

“I suppose,” said Anjum, “that as education spreads, they realize they can’t fool clients as their forebears did.”

“A bit more to it,” said Deepak. “Banks hire goons to beat up borrowers. You read recently of bank goons killing a borrower; hounding several others to suicide. To browbeat borrowers, they also serve letters spattered with legal-sounding gibberish. So they employ law graduates.”

“If a letter I have is anything to go by,” Deb chipped in, “it’s the golden age of failed law graduates.”

“Gosh!” said Anjum after seeing the letter, “that’s from the biggest private-sector bank!”

“Yes,” said Deepak. “Forbes magazine last year placed it among the ‘tigers’.”

“A tiger surely,” said Deb. “Retains the biggest network of goons as ‘collection agents’.”

Deepak snatched the letter and read aloud:
‘Dear Mr. Sundeep,’
“I’ll omit the bank’s name”:
‘XYZ Bank Credit Cards (hereinafter referred to as “the Cards”) are issued by our Bank without taking any security in respect thereof. Upon the first usage of the Card the Card Holder (hereinafter referred to as “the Card Member”) becomes bound by the its terms and conditions as given in the booklet, which is supplied along with the Card at the time of its issue. This Card facilitates the Card Member to purchase goods & services without having to take the risk of carrying cash along. Subsequent to such purchase, the Card Member is liable to repay the credit amount on receipt of the Card Statement, wherein the due amount for such payment is specified. It is pertinent to note that only upon the Card Member failing & neglecting to pay the said overdue amount within due dates, he/she becomes liable to pay interest on the such amount.’

“How fuddy-duddy!” Chhanda said: “hereinafter, and in respect thereof, wherein and said, the staple of East India Company clerks. Says ‘usage’ where he means ‘use’ and inserts ‘the’ anywhere at all.”

“He lumps ‘failing and neglecting’ on the same footing,” said Deb. “Now, ‘failing’ presupposes trying---an attempt that fails. But ‘neglecting’ implies the absence of trying. An absurdity patterned on their ‘Siamese twins’---like ‘null and void’.”

“What’s it mean in plain English?” asked Chhanda.

“I’ve translated the entire letter into plain English,” Deb said. “But we haven’t the time for it all. I guess this is the meaning:

‘XYZ Bank issues its credit cards without security. Once a holder uses the card, he/she becomes bound by its terms laid down in the booklet issued with it. After buying against it, the holder must pay the credit specified in the Card Statement. Only when he/she does not pay this by the due date is interest charged on the amount due.’ ”

Chhanda was surprised: “That’s simple; how many words?”

“Mine’s 61 words,” Deb said. “The original was 131. Skip the 500 words after that, Deepak, and come to this para.”

“Another big chunk,” said Deepak:

‘We wish to inform you that as per monthly statement of your Card Account dated February 24, 2006, there was an outstanding of Rs.50,380.51 due and payable by you. However, despite sufficient time and opportunity given to you, you have failed and neglected to clear your outstanding dues, which was payable on demand. Therefore, as per the terms & conditions governing usage of the card facility, more particularly mentioned in Welcome Booklet, the Bank has duly exercised the its rights as per the terms and conditions, including the Banker’s Lien on your Saving Bank Account held with XYZ Bank. Exercising the said rights your Savings Bank Account was debited for a sum of Rs.7,796/- on March 8, 2006 as part payment of the total outstanding dues in respect of the Card Account. Intimation regarding the same was duly corresponded to you.’ ”

. “What ludicrous language!” Chhanda said. “Whatever does one make of ‘Intimation . . . corresponded to you’?”

“He’s semi-literate,” Deb explained, “After landing a job, he’s grown over-confident. Now skip the next few paras, and read here.”

Deepak read:

‘Regarding your request to us for tendering an apology for the said events, we regret to inform you that we cannot accede such request owing to the contractual rights available to us. However, as a service gesture and considering the settlement offer accepted by you for closing your credit card account by payment of Rs.10,381.90, we hereby request you to kindly pay the said amount on or before May 25, 2006 so as to facilitate closure of your Card Account.’

“That’s 81 words,” said Deb. “And 38 plain words will do better:
‘The terms of the card allow us to take money from your savings bank account, so no apology is due. We accept your offer to pay Rs.10,381.90 towards closure of your account, and ask you to pay before 25 May 2006.’ ”

“Good heavens! But that last sentence is the whole point of the letter,” said Chhanda.

“Precisely,” said Deb. “And that’s what the letter should have begun with. A settlement’s reached; nothing more was needed. He obviously doesn’t know his face from his backside.”

“Hah!” said Anjum. “During our fight for freedom, India looked to its lawyers. Do Indian companies recruit just such law graduates? A bunch of near-illiterate fools?”

“Let’s not pretend our lawyers were any different before independence,” said Deb. “They were the same lower-division clerk material. They used legal-sounding gibberish to browbeat poor farmers on behalf of rapacious zamindars. Now they do it for corporates.”